Cerita Lucu: Kunci Kereta

Oleh kerana terlalu gembira, Ah Beng tertinggal kunci kereta dalam keretanya. Menyedari kesilapannya Ah Beng berkata,

"Apa kata kita gunakan penyangkut baju untuk buka pintu kereta?"

"Tak boleh," jawab Ah Seng. "Nanti orang fikir kita terlalu bodoh... sampai gunakan penyangkut baju."

Kemudian Ah Beng pula berkata, "Ah.. aku dapat idea, apa kata kalau kita gunakan pisau, kita potong getah pintu kereta ini kemudian kita masukkan jari untuk tarik kunci tingkap."

"Tak boleh, nanti orang fikir kita hendak curi kereta."

"Kan Cheong!" jerit Ah Beng. "Kita mesti fikir cepat, hujan dah nak turun... sunroof terbuka!!!"

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Cerita Lucu: Dua orang kaya dan pemandunya

Suatu hari ada dua orang kaya sedang duduk di cafe, sambil menggosip pemandunya.

Orang kaya I : " Hei, kau tau tak, pemandu aku ini bodohnya setengah mampus ! Kalau kau tak percaya cuba lihat nie."

Terus dia panggil pemandunya si King Kong " King Kong, ini 10 ringgit, pergi ke kedai kereta, dan belikan aku Mercedez."

King Kong pun menjawab dengan sopan, " Yes Sir !! Right A way !!" Dengan pantas terus ke kedai kereta.

Orang kaya I itu beritahu ke temannya, " Nampak? Apa aku cakap.... dia buat betul-betul"

Orang kaya II : " Haha.... itu belum apa-apa, kau nak tengok, pemandu aku lagi teruk dari itu. Biar aku tunjukkan pada kau." Terus orang kaya II memanggil pemandunya Rambo. " Rambo, pergi ke rumah aku, cuba lihat sama ada aku ada kat rumah ke tidak ?"

Rambo: " Yes Sir !! Right A Way !!" dan dia terus cabut ke rumah tuannya.

Orang kaya II beritahu kepada temannya tadi, " Nampak apa yang aku cakapkan ? Dia tak ada otak untuk berfikir, mana boleh aku ada di dua tempat yang berbeza dalam satu masa.

Tdak berapa lama kemudian, kedua pemandu itu bertemu di jalan, King Kong : " Ehh you know, my boss is very stupid laaaahhh. Dia kasih aku 10 ringgit dan suruh aku beli mercedez di kedai kereta, mana boleh ?? Kau kan tahu sekarang kan hari minggu. Semua kedai kereta tutup!!"

Rambo : " Kau fikir boss kau stupid ha ? boss aku lagi stupid!! Masa dia suruh aku balik rumah lihat, apakah dia ada di rumah..... Padahal dia kan boleh check sendiri telefon je la ke

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Cerita Lucu: You, ve Got Mail

Seorang lelaki sedang memotong rumput di halaman depan rumahnya, ketika tetangganya, seorang wanita cantik berambut perang keluar dari rumah dan langsung menuju ke kotak surat. Dia membuka kotak surat itu lalu membanting pintunya dan meluru masuk ke rumah.

Beberapa saat kemudian, wanita itu keluar lagi dari rumahnya dan memeriksa semula kotak suratnya. Pintu kotak surat dibanting lagi dan dengan marah dia masuk ke dalam rumah. Ketika lelaki tadi hampir menyelesaikan pekerjaannya memotong rumput, wanita tadi muncul lagi dari dalam rumah. Terus menuju ke kotak surat, membukanya dan segera membanting pintu kotak surat tersebut lebih keras daripada sebelumnya.

Bingung dengan tindakan yang dilakukan wanita itu, lelaki tadi bertanya padanya, "Apakah ada masalah?" Wanita berambut perang itu menjawab, "Tentu saja ada! Komputerku yang bodoh itu terus-menerus mengatakan, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."

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Cerita Lucu: Hutang

Seorang anak disuruh oleh ibunya ke kedai untuk berhutang beras.

Anak : "Pakcik.. emak suruh saya hutang beras boleh?."

Penjual : "Boleh.. mahu berapa kilo?"

Anak : "2 kilo pakcik"

Penjual : "Nah ambik ni.. balik tu jalan elok2 tau.."

Anak : "Eh... pakcik.. wang bakinya mana? buat-buat lupa plak dia..."

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Cerita Lucu: Yahudi

Seorang Yahudi, seorang tentera Rusia, seorang nenek dan seorang gadis cantik dalam sebuah kereta dari Kiev menuju Moscow. Pada saat kereta memasuki terowong yang gelap, tiba-tiba terdengar suara ciuman disusul oleh bunyi tamparan. Ketika kereta keluar dari terowong itu, keempat orang tersebut berpandang-pandangan sambil berpikir

Nenek : Pasti salah seorang dari kedua lelaki cuba mencium gadis itu, dan ditamparnya.

Tentera Rusia : Sial, Yahudi itu mencium gadis itu, aku yang ditampar.

Gadis : Salah seorang dari dua lelaki itu pasti cuba menciumku tapi tersalah mencium nenek itu dan ditamparnya.

Yahudi : Hari ini hari yang membahagiakan untukku, kucium tanganku sendiri, lalu kutampar prajurit Rusia itu dan tidak ada yang marah.

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Cerita Lucu: Hari Yang Buruk

Seorang pemandu lori yang baru datang langsung meneguk habis isi gelas itu.

Lelaki yang empunya gelas terus menangis.

"Hei, jangan la nangis!" kata pemandu lori.

"Aku cuma bergurau. Aku belikan kau minuman yang lain!"

"Bukan itu masalahnya. Hari ini merupakan hari terburuk dalam hidupku. Pertama, semasa aku ke pejabat tadi bosku marah besar dan aku dipecat. Ketika mahu pulang, ternyata keretaku dicuri orang. Masa aku naik teksi, ternyata dompet dan kad kreditku tertinggal di dalamnya. Sampai rumah, isteriku tidur dengan tukang kebun. Aku meninggalkan rumah dan datang ke bar ini. Setelah berfikir panjang, aku mengambil keputusan untuk mengakhiri hidup aku, tiba-tiba kau pulak muncul meminum racun aku.

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Cerita Lucu: Gear

Seorang Tok Batin baru membeli motorsikal Honda dan kebetulan pada jalan pulang terserempak dengan kawanya yang ingin menumpang, lalu ditumpangkan kawanya itu. Dalam perjalanan kawanya merasakan Tok Batin itu hanya mengunakan gear 1 sahaja lalu bertanyalah kawanya itu,

Kawan Tok Batin: Kenapak kamu hanya pakai gear 1 sahaja. Tok Batin: Kalau rosak 1 gear ada 2 lagi gear. Kawan Tok Batin:????????

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Cerita Lucu: 100%

"Mama.. hari ini saya dapat markah 100% di Sekolah," kata Yani kpd mamanya.

"Iya ke??.. macam ni lah anak Mama yang pintar.. Pelajaran apa yang kamu dapat markah 100%?" Tanya ibunya.

"Matematik 30%, Bahasa Melayu 50%, dan Sejarah 20%."

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Cerita Lucu: Sistem Darah

Seorang peminum arak membuat pemeriksaan darah disebuah klinik.. Agak Lama dia menunggu penjelasan doktor daripada hasil pemeriksaan itu...

"Bagaimana keadaan darah saya Doktor? Adakah baik2 saje?"

"Ya.. cuma ada sedikit darah yang mengganggu sistem cairan alkohol di tubuh Anda," jawab doktor..

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Cerita Lucu: Hukuman untuk guru

Seorang wanita muda sedang menghadiri perbicaraan di Mahkamah kerana melanggar lampu merah. Dia menjelaskan kepada hakim bahawa dia seorang guru dan minta supaya perkaranya diselesaikan dengan cepat agar dia boleh segera kembali ke kelasnya.

"Baik, baik," kata Hakim.

"Jadi Anda seorang guru? Sudah bertahun-tahun saya menunggu kedatangan seorang guru dalam perbicaraan saya ini. Sebagai hukumannya. Sekarang Anda duduk di meja itu dan tulislah 'Saya tidak akan melanggar lampu merah lagi' sebanyak 500 kali."

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Cerita Lucu: keluarga besar

Pada suatu hari Cikgu Midah sedang bercakap tentang ahli keluarga. Dia pun menyuruh murid-muridnya memberi keterangan mengenai keluarga masing-masing. Tiba giliran Osman, Osman mula memberitahu nama adik- beradiknya yang seramai dua belas orang serta umur mereka.

Cikgu Midah pun bertanya: "Osman adakah awak berasal daripada keluarga yang besar?"

Osman: "Tidak Cikgu, semua ahli keluarga saya rendah-rendah dan kurus-kurus belaka." Semua murid di dalam kelas itu pun ketawa berdekah-dekah

Posmen

Seorang posmen yang datang menghantar surat.

" Assalamualaikum "

" Walaikumsalam "

" Ni rumah encik encik Sameon ye?

" Ya saya"

" Poning kepala saya mencari alamat rumah encik ni "

" Buat susah aje encik nie! Apsal tak pos aje"

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Cerita Lucu: Beritahu Siang-siang

Marsya baru berumur lima tahun. Dia memang pintar bercakap. Suatu hari dia telah mengikuti ibunya ke sebuah kedai. Ibunya mahu membeli barang-barang keperluan di dapur.

Ibu : Encik, saya nak susu dua tin, beras 3 kilogram, garam sekotak dan gula 2 kilogram. Encik : Susu yang ini boleh? (sambil menunjukkan susu cap teko) Ibu : Bolehlah. Encik : Ada apa-apa lagi yang awak nak? Ibu : Tidak.

Setelah membayar harga barang-barang itu, ibu teringat akan beberapa barang yang perlu dibelinya. Dia pun memesan barang-barang itu kepada penjual tadi.

Penjual : Kenapa awak tidak beritahu saya siang-siang? (Dia kelihatan marah)

Ibu tidak menjawab. Marsya yang dari awal tadi hanya memerhatikan gelagat ibu dan penjual itu, tiba-tiba bersuara.

Marsya : Pak cik! Ibu telah beritahu siang-siang bukan malam-malam. Kalau beritahu malam-malam tentu kedai pak cik dah tutup

Penjual: ????

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Cerita Lucu: Sekolah

Jam sudahpun menunjukkan pukul tujuh pagi. Salam masih lagi berdengkur. Ibunya pun segera mengejutkannya untuk ke sekolah.

Ibu: Salam? Salam? bangun nak, pergi sekolah, nanti kamu terlambat.
Salam: Alah emak? Salam tidak mahu pergi ke sekolah!
Ibu: Apa, tidak mahu pergi sekolah?! Baik. Salam berikan emak dua sebab mengapa Salam tidak mahu ke sekolah.
Salam: Semua murid-murid tidak suka Salam. Guru-guru di sekolah pun tidak suka pada Salam!
Ibu: Itu bukan alasan bagi Salam untuk tidak ke sekolah. Cepat, bangun sekarang!
Salam: Baiklah, sekarang emak pula berikan Salam dua sebab mengapa Salam mesti pergi ke sekolah.
Ibu: Eh? eh? bertuah punya anak! Salam dengar baik-baik, pertama Salam sudah berusia lima puluh tahun. Kedua Salam PENGETUA SEKOLAH!!!

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Cerita Lucu: Unta

Ibu unta dan anaknya sedang berbual-bual. Anak unta kemudian bertanya kepada ibu unta,

Anak Unta: Ibu mengapa ketiga-tiga jari kaki saya besar?

Ibu Unta: Anakku, apabila kita berjalan di padang pasir yang pasirnya tidak pejal, jari kaki kita akan mengelakkan badan kita daripada tenggelam ke dalam pasir.

Anak Unta: Hmm.. benar juga kata-kata ibu ya. Ibu mengapa bulu mata saya panjang?

Ibu Unta: Untuk mengelakkan mata kita daripada dimasuki pasir apabila kitaberjalan di padang pasir.

Anak Unta: Oh, begitu. Ibu mengapa saya mempunyai benjolan yang besar di bahagian belakang saya?

Ibu Unta: (Sedikit marah) Benjolan itu membantu kita menyimpan lemak supaya kita boleh bertahan tanpa meminum air dalam perjalanan yang jauh.

Anak Unta: Oh! Saya rasa sungguh bertuah! Kita mempunyai tapak kaki yang besar supaya kita tidak tenggelam ke dalam pasir, bulu mata yang panjang supaya pasir tidak masuk ke dalam mata dan benjolan ini untuk menyimpan air? tetapi ibu?

Ibu Unta: Apa lagi sayang?

Anak Unta: Mengapa kita berada di dalam taman haiwan?!

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Cerita Lucu: Hanya Lima

Abang: Sudahkah adik menduduki ujian Matematik?
Adik: Sudah.
Abang: Adik dapat menjawab semua soalan dengan betul?
Adik: Hanya lima soalan sahaja yang salah.
Abang: Wah! Baguslah kalau begitu. Berapakah jumlah soalan dalam kertas ujian adik itu?
Adik: Lima. Abang: !!!!!

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Cerita Lucu: Bas Dua Tingkat

Seorang nenek dan cucunya menaiki bas dua tingkat. Cucu: Marilah nenek kita naik ke tingkat dua. Di atas masih ada tempat duduk.

Nenek: Eh... sudah-sudah. Nenek tidak mahu naik, nenek takut. Cucu: Mengapa nenek? Nenek: Di tingkat atas tidak ada pemandu!

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Cerita Lucu: KISAH PENGEMIS TUA DI DEPAN KAMPUS UITM

Seorang mahasiswa sedang asyik berbicara dengan seorang pengemis tua di
depan kampus UITM.

Mahasiswa : Sudah lama mengemis di sini pakcik?
Pengemis : Ya... lebih kurang sudah 8 tahun , nak
Mahasiswa : Wah, sudah lama juga ya pakcik..sehari biasanya
dapat berapa pakcik?
Pengemis : Paling sedikit RM50.00 nak ..
Mahasiswa : Banyak juga ya pakcik
Pengemis : Bolehlah nak, untuk keluarga...
Mahasiswa : Ehhhh.....keluarga ada di mana?
Pengemis : Anak pakcik semuanya ada 3 orang, yang pertama ada di Universiti Putra Malaysia di Selangor, yang kedua ada di Universiti Utara Malaysia di Kedah dan yang ketiga di Universiti Sains Malaysia di Penang... Mahasiswa : Subhanallah, hebat-hebat keluarga pakcik ni...boleh tahan juga yerrr.. Eh..Anak pakcik tu semuanya masih kuliah?
Pengemis : tak arrrrrr....semuanya mengemis seperti pakcik....

*Perrggghhhhhhhhh!!! hampehhhhhh*

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Cerita Lucu: Teh RM 1.00

Seorang lelaki singgah di sebuah warung dan memesan
segalas teh ais...
Sebentar kemudian teh pun sampai dan ketika dia hendak
meminumnya dia mendapati ada seekor lalat
sedang berenang didalam tehnya. Lalu ia memanggil
pelayan....

"Waiter..! Kenapa ada lalat didalam teh saya...!"

Dengan muka bad word si pelayan menjawab..
"takkanlah dengan harga teh RM 1.00 Anda mengharapkan
ada kambing di dalamnya..."

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Cerita Lucu: Gigi Sakit

Pada suatu hari ada seorang wanita pergi ke klinik gigi untuk mencabut giginya.. lalu doktor gigi bertanya.. "Puan.. gigi mana yang hendak dicabut?"

Lalu wanita itu menjawab.. "gigi bahagian atas paling belakang"

Tak lama kemudian doktor dengan alat mencabut gigi mula mencabut gigi wanita itu.. tetapi yang dicabut adalah gigi dibahagian depan.. lalu wanita itu bertanya..

"Doktor.. kenapa gigi depan saya yang dicabut? kan yang sakit yang bahagian belakang?

doktor gigi itu menjawab...

"sabar la.. kejap lagi sampai la ke belakang"

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Cerita Lucu: Pemilik pisau lipat

Suatu hari di tengah hutan.. ketika para pelajar sebuah universiti sedang melakukan penyelidikan terhadap tumbuhan hutan... Seorang pelajar senior yang juga merupakan pemimpin kepada rombongan itu berjumpa dengan sebuah pisau lipat di atas tanah. Menurut peraturan yang telah ditetapkan semasa membuat penyelidikan didalam hutan.. sesiapa yang meninggalkan barang penyelidikan didalam perjalanan akan dihukum.

Lalu pelajar Senior itu dengan mengambil pisau lipat dan menghimpunkan semua pelajar untuk tujuan menghukum mana-mana siswa yang telah lalai meninggalkan pisau lipatnya.

"Siapa yang merasa kehilangan pisau lipat di tengah perjalanan tadi?" tanya pelajar senior itu..

Tak ada seorang pun yang berani mengaku.. Kemudian pelajar senior itu menambah..

"Ayuh cepat.. mengaku aje la,. lagipun sebenarnya saya sudah tahu siapa pemilik pisau lipat ini kerana namanya terukir di sini.. Tapi saya inginkan kejujuran kamu semua untuk mengaku!"

Masih tidak ada jawaban dari para pelajar lain..

"Kerana tidak ada yang dengan jujur mahu mengakui kesalahannya maka saya akan panggil namanya?!!!"

Pelajar2 masih lagi diam. Akhirnya pelajar senior itu tidak dapat bersabar lagi.. lalu diambilnya pisau lipat tadi kemudian dengan lantang dia menyebut nama pemilik pisau itu...

"STAINLESS STEEL cepat keluar...!!!"

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Cerita Lucu: Ujian akhir CIA

Tiga lelaki sedang bersiap untuk mengikuti ujian akhir untuk menjadi agen CIA. Pegawai bertugas menyatakan yang didalam ujian akhir mereka ini, mereka dikehendaki membunuh isteri masing2. Pegawai itu memberi senapang pada Abdul dan kemudian masuk ke bilik sebelah dimana isterinya berada. Beberapa minit kemudian lelaki itu keluar dan mengatakan dia terlalu cinta kepada isterinya, tak kuasa ia membunuhnya.

Amin memasuki bilik yang lain dengan senapang untuk membunuh isterinya. Sepuluh minit kemudian dia keluar dan menyatakan.. betapapun dia ingin jadi agen CIA, dia tak sanggup membunuh isterinya sendiri.

Kemudian pegawai itu memberikan senapang kepada Akbar dan kemudian masuk bilik yang mempunyai isterinya... Setelah 15 minit mereka semua mendengar bunyi tiga kali tembakan. Kemudian setelah beberapa minit.. lelaki itu keluar dengan nafas termengah-mengah dan berpeluh... Pegawai itu bertanya apa yang terjadi.. dan Akbar menjawab "Tuan bagi senapang yang ada peluru kapur.. jadi aku terpaksa mencekik leher isteriku untuk membunuhnya.."

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Cerita Lucu: Buah Durian

Samdol pergi ke sebuah pekan untuk membeli buah durian... lalu dia menghampiri seorang penjual buah durian yang merupakan orang asli tempatan...

Samdol : "Bang harga durian ini berapa?"

Org Asli : "yang ini.. sepopit sebiji"

Samdol kebingungan mendengar jawapan dalam bahasa orang asli itu kerana dia tidak memahami berapa nilainya sepopit itu.. lalu Samdol buat2 tahu dan cuba menawarinya..

Samdol : "Bang.. Boleh kurang sikit tak"?

Orang Asli : "Boleh aje, nak kurang berape?

Samdol : "Lahupa.. boleh ya!"

Penjual orang asli itu kebingungan.. lalu bertanya pada Samdol..

Orang Asli : "Lahupa itu berapa?"

Samdol : "Cakap dulu.. Sepopit itu berapa?"

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Cerita Dahulu Kala

Dahulu kala.. dalam kerajaan Phuket.. ada seorang raja yang mempunyai anak puteri.. Kedua anak ini mempunyai permintaan yang perlu dipenuhi. Anak pertama meminta dicarikan kuda yang mampu berlari kencang dan patuh kepada majikannya serta cantik penampilannya.

Anak kedua pula permintaannya tidak terlalu sukar.. Dia hanya minta suatu cerita. Dan ceritanya berbunyi begini... Dahulu kala.. dalam kerajaan Phuket.. ada seorang raja yang mempunyai anak puteri.. Kedua anak ini mempunyai permintaan yang perlu dipenuhi. Anak pertama meminta dicarikan kuda yang mampu berlari kencang dan patuh kepada serta cantik penampilannya.

Anak kedua pula permintaannya tidak terlalu sukar.. Dia hanya minta suatu cerita. Dan ceritanya berbunyi begini... Dahulu kala.. dalam kerajaan Phuket.. ada seorang raja yang mempunyai anak puteri.. Kedua anak ini mempunyai permintaan yang perlu dipenuhi. Anak pertama meminta dicarikan kuda yang mampu berlari kencang dan patuh kepada majikannya serta cantik penampilannya.

Anak kedua pula permintaannya tidak terlalu sukar.. Dia hanya minta suatu cerita. Dan ceritanya berbunyi begini... Dahulu kala... ................................ bla.. bla... blaaaa

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Cerita Lucu: Kemalangan jalanraya

Pada suatu hari, ada sebuah kereta yang dipandu terhoyong hayang melanggar tinga lampu dan terbalik.. Kesemua penumpangnya yang terdiri dari seorang lelaki tua.. seorang wanita tua.. dan dua orang anak kecil.. luka parah tak berdaya. Hanya seekor monyet yang merupakan binatang peliharaan keluarga.. masih sihat tanpa sedikit lukapun

Pihak polis kebingungan melihat kejadian itu... lalu dia memutuskan untuk menyoal saja pada si monyet untuk memperoleh keterangan mengenai kejadian tersebut..

Polis : "Monyet.. apa yang terjadi sebenarnya?"

Si monyet kemudian merebahkan dirinya dalam keadaan terbalik beberapa kali.

Polis : "Oh... kereta terbalik beberapa kali... jadi apa yang dilakukan oleh lelaki tua itu?"

Si monyet menirukan gerakan mabuk sambil mengayakan minum arak..

Polis : "Oh... lelaki itu sedang mabuk masa memandu.... dan bagaimana pulak wanita tua itu? anak-anak juga buat apa?"

Si monyet menirukan posisi orang tidur.. kemudian bergerak-gerak spt orang sedang bertengkar.

"Oh... okey.. saya dah faham.. wanita tua itu tido dan anak2nya bertengkar dalam kereta.. dan kamu sendiri pula buat apa monyet?"

Dan... si monyet kemudian menirukan gaya memandu

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Cerita Lucu: Untuk apa kamu datang kesini?

"Hei, kamu yang berdiri di belakang," tegur pensyarah "Cuba sebutkan individu yang terlibat dalam Perjanjian Badang!"

"Maaf, saya tidak tahu.. encik"

"Apa? tidak tahu? Baiklah, kalau begitu sebutkan saja tahun berapa perjanjian itu ditandatangani?"

"Maaf, saya tidak tahu juga, encik.."

"tidak tahu sama sekali? Maklumat itu kan sudah saya berikan untuk dibaca minggu lalu. Jadi untuk apa kamu datang ke sini kalau tidak tahu?"

"Mahu memeriksa kabel lampu ini, encik.. Saya petugas TNB"

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Cerita Lucu: Pisang

Ahmad dan Ali menaiki kereta api buat pertama kali dalam sejarah hidup mereka. Kedua-duanya turut membawa sesikat pisang sebagai bekalan semasa dalam perjalanan. Setelah agak lama dalam perjalanan, Ahmad memberikan sebiji pisang pada Ali. Sebaik Ali menggigit pisang di tangannya, kereta api memasuki terowong yang panjang.

Ali : Kau dah makan pisang tu?
Ahmad : Belum lagi...
Ali : Eloklahhh..... Jangan dimakan. Baru saja aku gigit terus mata jadi buta!...

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Cerita Lucu: Telur

JAMAL ke kedai untuk membeli telur yang dipesan ibunya. Ketika berdiri di tepi jalan, dua buah kereta tiba-tiba berlanggar di hadapannya. Dia terkejut dan kaku di situ sehingga polis dan ambulans tiba. Setelah mangsa dikeluarkan, Jamal berlari pulang dan terlupa membeli telur. Jamal dengan penuh minat menceritakan kemalangan itu pada ibunya.
"Dahsyat bu, kakinya tercabut dan terpelanting ke seberang jalan. Tangannya pulak putus, kepala pecah, perut terburai...
Tiba-tiba ibunya mencelah, "Telurnya mana?"
Jamal menjawab, "Err.... Mal tak tau pulak ke mana tercampaknya!"

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Zorro & Robinhood

Pada satu ketika, ada satu pertandingan untuk orang ramai menunjukkan kehebatan masing masing menggunakan senjata. Ada 2 peserta yang dapat masuk akhir, Zorro ngan Robin Hood. Mereka berdua pun masuk dalam hutan untuk berjalan jalan sambil mencari idea untuk pertandingan mereka. Sedang berjalan jalan, mereka terjumpa seorang perempuan dari kaum orang asli yang sungguh cantik. Mereka berdua sepakat untuk bertarung dan siapa yang menang akan dapat perempuan tersebut. Mereka pun memanggil perempuan tersebut dan meletakkan sebiji epal d iatas kepala perempuan itu. Memula Zorro nak mulakan pertandingan. Dia pun bergerak sejauh 50 meter dari perempuan itu dan membaling PEDANG nya kearah epal diatas kepala perempuan tu. Zuuupppp, terbelah dua epal tu. Perhgggg, dengan bangganye, si Zorro jerit... "I AM ZORRO....."

Kemudian giliran Robin Hood plak. Dia mengambil jarak 100 meter. Kemudian menggunakan ANAK PANAH nye. Zuuupppp, terbelah dua epal yg baru diletak atas kepala perempuan asli tu. Dengan jobonye jugak.... si Robin Hood kata.... " I AM ROBIN HOOD............"

Sedang mereka bertarung, lalu lah seorang penduduk lelaki orang asli disitu. Dia merasa tercabar kerana dengan senang lenang nye pompuan kaum dia nak kena kawin ngan orang luar. So, atas rasa tanggungjawab, dia pun masuk pertandingan tu jugak. Dengan menggunakan sumpit dan jarak 150 meter, kini giliran orang asli tu plak. ZZZZUUUUUPPPPP.............!!!! PPRRAAPP. Kena kepala pompuan tu dan mati. Dengan selamba orang asli tu kata....... ......"I AM SORRY....!!"

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Malu Sesangat

Seorang wanita muda telah ter'bersalin' di dalam sebuah lif. Dier pun malu macam nak giler dan tak mahu kuar dari lif itu. Pihak pengurusan bangunan pun memanggil polis, bomba dan psychologist untuk pujuk dier keluar. Psychologist tu pun cakap ler, "Cik... keluar lah... aper nak dimalukan... perkara biase jer nih." Wanita muda yang terbersalin itu pun menjawab, "Tak mau, tak mau, saya malu." Psychologist itu menambah, "Alah cik... tahun lepas saya ader 1 kes lagi teruk... pompuan tu beranak dalam longkang!!" Mendengarkan kata-kata Psychologist tu jer, wanita muda tu terus meraung bagai nak giler lalu berkata, "Yang tu pun saya gak, uhwaaa..!!!"

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Rahsia Menangkap Ikan.

Ada seorang nelayan yang selalu dapat banyak ikan bila dia ke laut... so crew TV3 interview dia untuk rahsia dia tangkap ikan.

Crew TV3 : "Apa rahsia pakcik tangkap ikan?"

Nelayan : "Pakcik tenguk cara isteri Pakcik tidur bila pakcik bangun pagi.

Kalau dia mengereng ke kiri, pakcik tebar jala kiri. Kalau dia mengereng ke kanan pakcik tebar ke kanan."

CrewTV3 : "Kalau isteri pakcik tidur terlentang?"

Nelayan : "Rezeki depan mata, pakcik tak turun kelaut pagi tu..."

CrewTV3 : "Oooooooooooo......."

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Siapa Ini?

Seorang lelaki menalipon hospital untuk memberitahu yang isterinya nak bersalin. Dan jururawat hospital menjawab talipon lelaki tersebut.

Lelaki: "Hello... tolong saya sebab isteri saya nak bersalin!"

Jururawat: "Sila bertenang... ini anaknya yang pertama ke?"

Lelaki: "Apa la punya bangang... ni laki dia la!"

Jururawat: "Erkkk..."

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Dot Pi Dot Mai.

Salman (bukan nama betul) pulang dari kerja satu petang dan terdengar suara isterinya dalam bilik mengerang. Dia berlari naik ke bilik dan melihat isterinya terlantar di katil berpeluh tanpa pakaian. "Kenapa ni sayang?" tanya Salman. "I diserang sakit jantung", jawab isterinya. Salman berlari ke bawah untuk menalipon doktor tapi belum sempat dia talipon, anaknya yang berumur 5 tahun berlari datang dan berkata, "Papa, acik Lan ada bawah katil ayah tak pakai suar." Salman mula naik angin dan naik semula ke biliknya. Memang betul Roslan(pun bukan nama betul) jiran mereka ada di bawah katil tanpa pakaian. Salman menarik Roslan keluar dan berkata, "Lahanat kau Lan, isteri aku kena sakit jantung. Kau pulak cubamenakutkan anak aku ye?"

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Pelik Pelik

Sejak mula berkahwin, Maria sering bertanyakan tentang kisah silam suaminya. "Bagitau la I, dah berapa ramai perempuan yang You bawak tidur?" tanya Maria. "Sayang..." kata suaminya, "kalau I bagitau You, You gerenti akan marah punya." "Tak... I janji tak marah," rayu Maria. "Baiklah... kalau You dah desak sangat," jawab suaminya, "Hmmm... satu... dua... tiga... empat... You... enam... tujuh... orang gaji kita... lapan..."

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Haram menikahi gadis satu kampung

MUI jakarta mengeluarkan fatwa baru. Setelah diadakan rapat dan diskusi diantarapara pemimpin MUI dan dewan pakarnya, memberikan fatwa pada tanggal 3 oktober tahun 2003:

"HARAM HUKUMNYA BAGI SEORANG MUSLIM LAKI-LAKI UNTUK MENIKAH DENGAN GADIS SEKAMPUNG" Fatwa MUI ini telah menimbulkan perdebatan yang sangat sengit antara yang pro dan kontra. Bahkan banyak pihak yang menyatakan bahwa MUI telah gegabah mengambil keputusan tersebut. Untuk mencari tahu alasan MUI mengeluarkan fatwa tersebut, maka wartawan republika mewancari sekretaris umum MUI Prof. Dr. Din syamsudin

Inilah isi wawancara tersebut:

Wartawan: Pak syamsudin, bagaimana MUI bisa mengeluarkan fatwa haram untuk menikahi gadis sekampung?

Prof. Dr. Din Syamsudin: Bagaimana enggak haram, menikahi empat orang gadis aja berat, apalagi satu kampung, kan itu banyak jumlahnya.....

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Peguam materialistik

Seorang peguam yang sangat berjaya memberhentikan Mercedes Benz siri S terbarunya di depan pejabatnya.. ketika dia membuka pintu keretanya.. sebuah lori melintas terlalu dekat menyebabkan terlanggar dan menerbangkan pintu kereta itu sekaligus menghentam bahagian depan Mercedesnya dg kuat..

Orang ramai segera datang berkerumun dan mereka melihat peguam itu menjerit-jerit dan menangis dengan histeria sambil menunjuk keretanya yang sudah kemek itu.

Beberapa minit setelah dia dapat menguasai emosinya, beberapa orang menggeleng-gelengkan kepala dan memandang hina kepada peguam itu. Seorang dari mereka berkata,

"Saya tidak sangka yang sifat matrelialistik engkau sudah keterlaluan dan mata duitan. engkau hanya pentingkan harta dan tidak pentingkan benda lain"

"kenapa engkau berkata demikian?", tanya si peguam

lelaki itu menjawab.. "Tidakkah engkau tahu yang lengan kiri engkau terputus diseret lori tadi?"

"Ya Tuhan!!", jerit si pengecara tadi dengan kuat.. "Di mana jam tangan Rolex saya?!!"

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Timbang

Di sebuah Mall yang sesak dengan pengunjung.. ada satu alat pengukur berat badan yang cukup canggih.. Hanya dengan membayar RM 1.00 kita akan diberitahu berapa berat badan kita oleh program komputer. Seorang gadis dan temannya mencuba di tengah kerumunan orang.. Setelah memasukkan wang RM 1.00.. mesin komputer menjawab: "47 kg!"

Gadis kedua cuba untuk menimbang, dan mesin komputer menjawab: "52 kg!"

Setelah beberapa minit datang seorang wanita yang cukup gemuk dan montel cuba menimbang dirinya di mesin itu. Setelah memasukkan wang RM 1.00.. mesin komputer mengeluarkan jawapan:

"Tolong naik sorang-sorang.. jangan ramai-ramai!"

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Engineer and Manager

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realises that he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts:

"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend
I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below says: "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 41degrees N.latitude,
and between 58 and 59 degrees W. longitude."

"You must be an engineer" says the balloonist, sounding a little irritated.

"I am." replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of it, and I am still lost."

The man below says "You must be a manager."

"I am." replies the balloonist,"But how did you know?"

"Well," says the man, "You don't know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise, which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me
to solve your problem. And finally, you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."

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Three Man And A Genie

Three men: a project manager, a software engineer, and a hardware engineer are helping out on a project. About midweek they decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says "Normally I would grant you three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant you each one wish."
The hardware engineer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.

The software engineer went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean.

Last, but not least, it was the project manager's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asked the genie.

"I want them both back after lunch" replied the project manager

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New Motorbike

An engineering student is walking on campus one day when another engineer rides up on a shiny new motorcycle.

"Where did you get such a rockin' bike?" asked the first.

The second engineer replied "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said 'Take what you want.'"

The second engineer nodded approvingly "Good choice - the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you."

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What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?

Mechanical Engineers build weapons,
Civil Engineers build targets

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An Engineer And A Frog

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

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4 Engineers In A Car

There are four engineers travelling in a car; a mechanical engineer, a chemical engineer, an electrical engineer and a Microsoft Windows computer engineer. The car breaks down.

"Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again", says the mechanical engineer.

"Well", says the chemical engineer, "it sounded to me as if the fuel might be contaminated. I think we should clear out the fuel system."

"I thought it might be a grounding problem", says the electrical engineer, "or maybe a faulty plug lead."

They all turn to the Computer Engineer who has said nothing and say, "Well, what do you think?"

"Ummm - perhaps if we all get out of the car and get back in again?" says the computer engineer.

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It's About 3 Engineers & 3 Accountants

3 engineers & 3 accountant are travelling by train to a conference. At the station, the 3 accountants each buy tickets and watch as the 3 engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are 3 people going to travel on only one ticket?" ask an accountant

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all 3 engineers cram into a restroom door and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says,"Ticket please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants saw this and aggred it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, then buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineers.

When they board the train the 3 accountants cram into a restroom and the 3 engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

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In Flight Contest

A computer programmer and an engineer were sitting next to each other
on a transcontinental flight. The programmer leaned over to the
engineer and asked whether he would like to play a game. The
engineer only wanted to take a nap, so he politely declined, rolled
over toward the window and closed his eyes.

The programmer persisted and stated that the game was both very easy
and a lot of fun. He explained "I ask you a question - if you don't
know the answer, you pay me five bucks. Then you ask me a question,
and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay five bucks to you."

Again, the Engineer politely declined and closed his eyes. The
programmer, somewhat agitated, said, "OK, if you don't know
the answer you pay me five bucks, but if I don't know the answer,
I'll pay you fifty bucks!"

This caught the engineer's attention, and - seeing no end to his
torment unless he played the game - agreed to play. The programmer
asked the first question: "What's the distance between the Earth
and the Moon?"

The engineer wordlessly reached into his wallet, pulled out a five
dollar bill and handed it to the programmer.

Now it was the engineer's turn. He asked the programmer: "What goes
up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?" The programmer
looked puzzled, then took out his laptop computer and searched
through all his reference material. He tapped into the AirPhonex with
his modem and searched through the Internet and the Library of
Congress, all to no avail. Then he sent urgent E-mail inquiries to
all of his brightest colleagues, but could find no help anywhere.

After an hour or so he woke the engineer and forked over $50. The
engineer accepted the money politely and closed his eyes again.

The programmer, more than slightly frustrated, shook the engineer's
shoulder and demanded, "So, what's the answer?".

The engineer just smiled, reached again into his wallet, handed the
programmer a five dollar bill, and went right back to sleep.

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Does Your Blood Type Reveal Your Personality?

According to a Japanese institute that does research on blood types, there are certain personality traits that seem to match up with certain blood types.

How do you rate?

TYPE O
You want to be a leader, and when you see something you want, you keep striving until you achieve your goal. You are a trend-setter, loyal, passionate,and self-confident. Your weaknesses include vanity and jealously and a tendency to be too competitive.

TYPE A
You like harmony, peace and organization. You work well with others, and are sensitive, patient and affectionate. Among your weaknesses are stubbornnessand an inability to relax.

TYPE B
You're a rugged individualist, who's straightforward and likes to do things your own way. Creative and flexible, you adapt easily to any situation. Butyour insistence on being independent can sometimes go too far and become a weakne ss.

TYPE AB
Cool and controlled, you're generally well liked and always put people at ease. You're a natural entertainer who's tactful and fair. But you're standoffish,blunt, and have difficulty making decisions.

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Hokkien Nang

Sin Ga Po Jokes and Humor

Ah Lian asked shopkeeper,
"Eh Ah chek, u got sell stocking up to knee, boh?"

Ah Chek replied,
"Lu siao ah! stocking wear up to 'yeo' (waist) only, where got up to the 'nee'(breast) one?"

------------ --------- --------- ------

Ah Beng bought a Honda VTI recently and drove to Ah Lian's place to show it to her.
So there Ah Beng was bragging the various functions of his new car to his girlfriend.

"This is ah, so fast even the Mata Chia cannot catch ah!"

"Ha! Really ah!!! Steady lah!" said Ah Lian.

"Some more hor, this is Automatic one, vely easy to drive!"

So Ah Lian said, "Let me try! I wan, I wan!"

So Ah Lian took the driver's seat and shifted the gear and floored the accelerator.
The next moment, the car sped backwards and crashed into the lamp-post.

"Alamak! What u doing? U Siao Char Bo! U see lah! Wah Piang eh!" screamed Ah Beng.
"Solee, solee, pai sah lah! No lah, I tot hor, "R" for racing mah!"

------------ --------- --------- --------- ----

The Titanic was sinking and there weren't enough lifeboats.
So the captain had to persuade male passengers to jump into the icy water to make room for women and children.

To the British he said,
"You must act like gentlemen."

They jumped.

To the Americans he said,
"You can be heroes."

They complied.

To the Germans he said,
"It's the rule."

They obeyed.

To the Japanese he said,
" It's the consensus."

They obliged.

Then came the Singaporean and they just weren't budging until he came up with the appeal:
"Free life jackets for those who jumped."

------------ --------- --------- --------- -----

Once upon a time, a group of Ah Bengs stepped into a lounge and wanted the DJ to play the song "Ah Cheng Buey Ro Ti"
(In Hokkien means Ah Cheng buys bread).

The DJ told them that they only have English songs and told them to re-select another song.

The Ah Bengs were very angry and kicked up a big fuss claiming the DJ was insulting them.

The manager had to intervene in order to calm them down.

Finally after a long talk with Ah Bengs, the manager found out that they were actually asking for the song "Unchained Melody" by the Righteous Brothers.

------------ --------- --

One day, two Ah Lians got into a lift from the 20th storey and wanted to get down to the ground floor.
As they looked at the dial, they could see the number 20 down to number 2.
It was then followed by a G.

As they were not English-educated, they were puzzled and had no idea what does the letter G mean.

Suddenly one of them exclaimed excitedly and hit G.

When they finally reached the ground floor, the other Ah Lian was so impressed and asked the first Ah Lian,
"Wah low!!! How you know one?"
The first Ah Lian replied smugly,
"Easy lah.. G for Gero mah..."

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Tell about a haircut

The story of someone getting a haircut.

Women's version:

Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!

Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Woman2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

Woman2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.


Men's version:

Man2: Haircut?

Man1: Yeah.

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Yelow Roses

Here's to T-bone steaks, yellow roses and friendship. READ THIS!!!! and then reread it. Especially the last part...

I walked into the grocery store not particularly interested in buying groceries. I wasn't hungry. The pain of losing my husband of seven days was still too raw. And this grocery store held so many sweet memories.

He often came with me and almost every time he'd pretend to go off and look for something special l. I knew what he was up to. I'd always spot him walking down the aisle with the three yellow roses in his hands.

He knew I loved yellow roses. With a heart filled with grief, I only wanted to buy my few items and leave, but even grocery shopping was different since he had passed on.

Shopping for one took time, a little more thought than it had for two. Standing by the meat, I searched for the perfect small steak and remembered how he had loved his steak.

Suddenly a woman came beside me. She was blonde, slim and lovely in a soft green pantsuit. I watched as she e picked up a large package of T-bones, dropped them in her basket.. Hesitated, and then put them back. She turned to go and once again reached for the pack of steaks.

She saw me watching her and she smiled. "My husband loves T-bones, but honestly, at these prices, I don't know."

I swallowed the emotion down my throat and met her pale blue eyes. "My husband passed away seven days ago," I told her. Glancing at the package in her hands, I fought to control the tremble in my voice. "Buy him the steaks. And cherish every moment you have together."

She shook her head a and I saw the emotion in her eyes as she placed the package in her basket and wheeled away.

I turned and pushed my cart across the length of the store to the dairy products. There I stood, trying to decide which size milk I should buy. A Quart, I finally decided and moved on to the ice cream. If nothing else, I could always fix myself an ice cream cone.

I placed the ice cream in my cart and looked down the aisle toward the front. I saw first the green suit, then recognized the pretty lady coming towards me In her arms she carried a package. On her face was the brightest smile I had ever seen. I would swear a soft halo encircled her blonde hair as she kept walking toward me, her eyes holding mine.

As she came closer, I saw what she held and tears began misting in my eyes. "These are for you," she said and placed three beautiful long stemmed yellow roses in my arms. "When you go through the line, they will know these are paid for." She leaned over and placed a gentle kiss on my cheek, then smiled again. I wanted to tell her what she'd done, what the roses meant, but still unable to speak, I watched as she walked away as tears clouded my vision.

I looked down at the beautiful roses nestled in the green tissue wrapping and found it almost unreal. How did she know?

Suddenly the answer seemed so clear I wasn't alone. Oh, you haven't forgotten me, have you? I whispered, with tears in my eyes. He was still with me, and she was his angel.

Every day be thankful for what you have and who you are.

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foolish questions

1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/friends...
Stupid Question:- Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer:- Don't U know, I sell tickets in black over here..

2. In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet...
Stupid Question:- Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer:-No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.....why don't you try again.

3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask...
Stupid Question:- Why, why him, of all people.
Answer:- Why? Would it rather have been you?

4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter
Stupid Question:- Is the"Butter Paneer Masala" dish good??
Answer:- No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occasionally also spit in it.

5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you afteryears...
Stupid Question:-Munna,Chickoo, you've become so big.
Answer:- Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.

6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask...
Stupid Question:- Is the guy you're marrying good?
Answer:- No,he's a miserable wife-beating, insensitive lout...it's justthe money.

7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call...
Stupid Question:- Sorry. were you sleeping?
Answer:- No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africamarry or not. You thought I was sleeping.... you dumb witted moron.

8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...
Stupid Question:- Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer:- No, its autumn and I'm shedding......

9. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth...
Stupid Question:- Tell me if it hurts?
Answer:- No it wont. It will just bleed.

10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks...
Stupid Question:- Oh, so you smoke.
Answer:- Gosh, it's a miracle ............it was a piece of chalk and now it's in flames!!!

11. You are fishing and a guy asks....................
Stupid Question:- Are you fishing?
Answer:- No, I was just drowning worms.

12. You've been living in a colony from the same time as your neighbour has been living. But suddenly one day your neighbour asksyou.............
Stupid Question:- Have you been living here all your life?
Answer:- I don't know.... I haven't died yet!

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Inspirational....but Funny!!

Inspirational....but Funny!!

Here's some things to ponder on that concerns life in general....

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me, either.
Leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn.
So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

10. If you lend someone Rs 20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

11. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.

12. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.

13. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

14. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

15. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

16. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

17. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

18. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

19. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

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Laugh Out Loud!!!!!!

Girlfriend: And are you sure you love me and no one else?
Boyfriend: Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday


Waiter: Would you like your coffee black?
Customer: What other colors do you have?


Manager: Sorry, but i can't give u a job. I don't need much help.
Job Applicant: That's all right. In fact I'm just the right person in this case. You see, I won't be of much help anyway!!


Dad: Son, what do u want for ur birthday?
Son: Not much dad, Just a radio with a sports car around it.


Diner: I can't eat such a rotten chicken. Call the manager!
Waiter: It's no use. He won't eat it either.


Diner: You'll drive me to my grave!
Waiter: Well, you don't expect to walk there, do you?



Husband: U know, wife, our son got his brain from me.
Wife: I think he did, I've still got mine with me!


Man: Officer! There's a bomb in my garden!
Officer: Don't worry. If no one claims it within three days, you can keep it.


Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!
Son: That's why I say she's no good!

.

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Funny Applications

These are some of the funny application and leave letters written by various personnel.

1. An employee applied for leave as follows:
"Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife. please sanction me one week leave... "

2. A candidate's application
"This has reference to your ad calling for a 'typist and an accountant - Male or Female'... As I am both for the past several years and I can handle both, I am applying for the post."

3. Another employee applied for half day leave as follows:
"Since I have to go to the cremation ground and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave"

4. A student had written a leave letter to the headmaster:
"As I am studying in this school i am suffering from head-ache. I request you to leave me today"

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Reason why never visit a 5* Hotel !!

Question :
"What would you like to have ..Fruit juice, Soda, Tea, Chocolate, Milo, or Coffee?"
Answer : "tea please"

Question : " Ceylon tea, Herbal tea, Bush tea, Honey bush tea, Ice tea or green tea ?"
Answer : "Ceylon tea "

Question : "How would you like it ? black or white ?"
Answer : "white"

Question : "Milk, Whitener, or Condensed milk ?
"Answer: "With milk "

Question : "Goat milk, Camel milk or cow milk"
Answer : "With cow milk please.

Question : " Milk from Freeze land cow or Afrikaner cow?"
Answer : " Um, I'll take it black. "

Question : " Would you like it with sweetener, sugar or honey?"
Answer : "With sugar"

Question : " Beet sugar or cane sugar ?"
Answer : "Cane sugar "

Question :" White , brown or yellow sugar ?"
Answer : "Forget about tea just give me a glass of water instead."

Question: "Mineral water or still water ? "
Answer : "Mineral water"

Question : "Flavored or non-flavored ?"
Answer : "I'll rather die of thirst

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JOKES ...

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."

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Jokes ; )

A little rabbit is running happily through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint.

The rabbit looks at the giraffe and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come. Run with me through the forest! You''ll feel so much better!"

The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit. Then they come across an elephant doing coke.

So the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come. Run with us through the pretty forest, you''ll see, you''ll feel so good!"

The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and coke, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe. The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up.

"Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come. Run with us through the beautiful forest and you''ll feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and mauls the rabbit.

The giraffe and elephant watch in horror and look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help you."

The lion answers, "That little bastard! He makes me run around the forest like an idiot every time he's on ecstasy!"

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ARTHRITIS

ARTHRITIS?

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subwaynext to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face wasplastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a fewminutes the man turned to The priest and asked,
"SayFather, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replies,
"My Son, it's caused by loose living, Being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt foryour fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lackof a bath."

The drunk muttered in response,
"Well, I'll be damned,"
Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what He had said, nudged theman and apologized.
"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come onso strong.How long have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered,
"I don't have it, Father. I was justreading here that the Pope does."

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Seniors Bedtime

Husband: Oh, come on.

Wife: Leave me alone!

Husband: It won't take long.

Wife: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.

Husband: I can't sleep without it.

Wife: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?

Husband: Because I'm Hot.

Wife: You get hot at the darnedest times.

Husband: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.

Wife: If you love me you'd be more considerate.

Husband: You don't love me anymore.

Wife: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.

Husband: Please...come on

Wife: All right, I'll do it.

Husband: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?

Wife: I can't find it.

Husband: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!

Wife: There! Are you satisfied?

Husband: Oh, yes.

Wife: Is it up far enough?

Husband: Oh, that's good .

Wife: Now go to bed and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself

hehehehe.........

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Funny Quotes

Funny Quotes

"A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain."

"Great Britain and the United States are nations separated by a common language."

"The fact that no one understands you doesn't make you an artist."

'Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else."


"Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat."

"Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger."

"Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand."

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."

"Some say the glass is half empty, some say the glass is half full, I say, are you going to drink that?"

"If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to."

"Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be."

"Women have a passion for mathematics. They divide their age in half, double the price of their clothes, and always add at least five years to the age of their best friend."

"If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!"

"Foot: A special device for finding furniture in the dark."

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough."


"When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays."

"There's an old saying - There's No Place Like Home. Well, I went in the house next door, and it was very similar."

"A guy at work went in for a competition and won a trip to China . He's out there now...trying to win a trip back!"
"Why should I be sensible if it prevents me from being happy?"

"Happiness is often the result of being too busy to be miserable."

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True Sayings......

True Sayings......

Money is not everything.
There's MasterCard & Visa card.

------------------

One should love animals.
They are so tasty.
--------------------

Save water.
Shower with your friend.
------------------

Love thy neighbor.But don't get caught.
-----------------------

Behind every successful man, there is a woman.
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.
----------------------

Every man should marry.
After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.
---------------------------

Wise never marry.
And when they marry they become otherwise.
----------------------------

Success is a relative term.
It brings so many relatives.
-------------------------------

Never put off the work till tomorrow what you can put off today.
-------------------------------

Love is photogenic.
It needs darkness to develop
----------------------------------

A good discussion is like a miniskirt
Short enough to pertain interest
and long enough to cover the subject
----------------------------------

Children in backseats cause accidents
Accidents in backseats cause children
--------------------------------

Your future depends on your dreams
So go to sleep
-------------------------------------

There should be a better way to start a day
than waking up every morning
-----------------------------------

"ALCOHOL KILLS SLOWLY"
So what ?
Who's in a hurry ?
---------------------------------

"Work fascinates me"
I can look at it for hours
----------------------------------

God made relatives;
Thank God we can choose our friends.
-------------------------------

When two's company,
Three's the result !
--------------------------------

A dress is like a barbed fence
It protects the premises without restricting the view
--------------------------------------------------

The more you learn,
the more you know,
The more you know,
the more you forget
The more you forget,
the less you know
So.. why learn.????????????

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Kids Are Funny

Kids are funny

NUDITY

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"



HONESTY

My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.


OPINIONS

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."



KETCHUP

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother.. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."



MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"



POLICE # 1

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?" -----


POLICE # 2

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"



ELDERLY

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered,"The tooth fairy will never believe this!"



DRESS-UP


A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."



DEATH

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn .....and into the hole he gooooes."



SCHOOL

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"




BIBLE


A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out." What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!

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OLD IS GOLD

OLD IS GOLD

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding..........

Older Woman: "Is there a problem, Officer?"

Officer: "Ma'am, you were speeding."

Older Woman: "Oh, I see."

Officer: "Can I see your license please?"

Older Woman: "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

Officer: "Don't have one? "

Older Woman: "Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. "

Officer: "I see.......Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. "

Older Woman: "I can't do that. "

Officer: "Why not? "

Older Woman: "I stole this car. "

Officer: "Stole it? "

Older Woman: "Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner."

Officer: "You what? "

Older Woman: "His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see."

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: "Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!"

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: "Is there a problem sir?"

Officer 2: "One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."

Older Woman: "Murdered the owner? "

Officer 2: "Yes, would you open the trunk of your car, please."

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: "Is this your car, ma'am?"

Older Woman: "Yes, of course, here are the registration papers."

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license."

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a driver's license and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: "Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner."

Older Woman: "Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too."

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Farmer Joe

Farmer Joe

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.

"Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,"' asked the
lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'."
Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I as
driving down the road..."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say."

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.

I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me.
He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her...How are you feeling?"

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~Jokes~

JOKES

(1) DON'T LOOK AT NAKED LADY

Boy 1: Why do you run from a naked lady?
Boy 2: Becos my mum said that if I look at a naked lady, I'll turn into stone. A part of me is getting hard already!



(2) NAMES OF WIVES

A malay man had 4 wives, and he called his...
4th wife..... baby doll
3rd wife.....china doll
2nd wife.....barbie doll
1st wife..... panadol !



(3) RESEARCH FINDING

Research shows men are fatter than women because every-night men get fresh milk & 2 big papayas while women only get 1 banana, 2 peanuts & 1 tea-spoon of starch!



(4) ARAB MAN

An arab was being interviewed at a US checkpoint.
'Your name pls.'?
"Abdul Aziz "
"Sex? "
"Six times a week!! "
"No, no, I mean male or female! "
"Doesn't matters, sometimes even camel !"



(5) SERVICE

Sex is like a restaurant.Sometimes you get full satisfactory service, and sometimes you have to be satisfied with self-service"


6) HAPPY MAN

What makes a happy man?
Daughter on the cover of cosmo.
Son on the cover of sports illustrated.
Mistress on the cover of playboy and ..
Wife on the cover of "missing persons"


(7) SWIMSUIT

Why was the 2-piece swimsuit invented?
To separate the HAIRY section from the DAIRY section.

(8) GOOD AMBITION

Teacher: What do you want to become?
Little Johnny: Doctor !!
Teacher: Why?
Little Johnny: Coz its the only profession where u can tell a woman to take off her clothes and ask her husband to pay for it.

(9) DENTIST

Woman complaining to dentist: "It's so painful, I'll rather have a baby than have a tooth removed."
Dentist: "Make up your mind soon, I'll adjust the chair accordingly."


(10) VIRGIN

Old lady, 85, a virgin, about to die. wanted her tombstone to read :
BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN.
The engraver shortened it to: " RETURNED UNOPENED "

(11) OLD MAN AND YOUNG GIRL

75 yr old man got married to a 15 yr girl.On their first night both were crying - why???Coz she didn't know anything, andhe had forgotten everything.HaVe A NiCe DaY !

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When I Die...

When I Die....


Mrs. Johnson decided to have her own portrait painted by a well-known artist.
She told the artist, "Paint me with three-carat diamond earrings, a large diamond necklace, glimmering emerald bracelets, and a beautiful, red ruby pendant."

"But ma'am, you are not wearing any of those things."

"I know," said Mrs. Johnson.

"My health is not good and my husband is having an affair with his secretary. When I die I'm sure he will marry her, and I want the bitch to go nuts looking for the jewelry."

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Funny Story: You Know You Are a Bad Cook When...

You Know You Are a Bad Cook When...

1. You use the smoke alarm as a cooking timer.

2. You consider it a culinary success if the pop-tart stays in one piece.

3. Your dog goes to the neighbors' to eat.

4. When you barbecue, two of your kids hold water guns and the third stands ready by the phone with 911 on speed-dial.

5. Your family automatically heads for the dinner table every time they hear a fire truck siren.

6. The EPA insists that all your garbage cans be marked with biohazard symbols.

7. Your microwave display reads "TILT!"

8. Your two best recipes are meatloaf and apple pie, but your dinner guests can't tell which is which.

9. Your pie filling bubbles over and eats the enamel off the bottom of the oven.

10. You've used three boxes of scouring pads and a bottle of Drano and a crowbar, and that macaroni and cheese still won't let go of the pan.

11. Pest control companies keep pestering you for your recipes.

12. You make tuna noodle surprise and the surprise is that it glows in the dark and melts the silverware.

13. Your family prays AFTER they eat!

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Funny Story: Who said English is easy?

Who said English is easy ?

Can you answer this:

Fill in the following blank with "Yes" or "No"

a) ______ , I don't have a BRAIN .

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