foolish questions

1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/friends...
Stupid Question:- Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer:- Don't U know, I sell tickets in black over here..

2. In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet...
Stupid Question:- Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer:-No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.....why don't you try again.

3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask...
Stupid Question:- Why, why him, of all people.
Answer:- Why? Would it rather have been you?

4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter
Stupid Question:- Is the"Butter Paneer Masala" dish good??
Answer:- No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occasionally also spit in it.

5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you afteryears...
Stupid Question:-Munna,Chickoo, you've become so big.
Answer:- Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.

6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask...
Stupid Question:- Is the guy you're marrying good?
Answer:- No,he's a miserable wife-beating, insensitive lout...it's justthe money.

7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call...
Stupid Question:- Sorry. were you sleeping?
Answer:- No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africamarry or not. You thought I was sleeping.... you dumb witted moron.

8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...
Stupid Question:- Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer:- No, its autumn and I'm shedding......

9. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth...
Stupid Question:- Tell me if it hurts?
Answer:- No it wont. It will just bleed.

10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks...
Stupid Question:- Oh, so you smoke.
Answer:- Gosh, it's a miracle ............it was a piece of chalk and now it's in flames!!!

11. You are fishing and a guy asks....................
Stupid Question:- Are you fishing?
Answer:- No, I was just drowning worms.

12. You've been living in a colony from the same time as your neighbour has been living. But suddenly one day your neighbour asksyou.............
Stupid Question:- Have you been living here all your life?
Answer:- I don't know.... I haven't died yet!

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Inspirational....but Funny!!

Inspirational....but Funny!!

Here's some things to ponder on that concerns life in general....

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me, either.
Leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn.
So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

10. If you lend someone Rs 20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

11. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.

12. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.

13. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

14. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

15. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

16. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

17. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

18. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

19. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

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Laugh Out Loud!!!!!!

Girlfriend: And are you sure you love me and no one else?
Boyfriend: Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday


Waiter: Would you like your coffee black?
Customer: What other colors do you have?


Manager: Sorry, but i can't give u a job. I don't need much help.
Job Applicant: That's all right. In fact I'm just the right person in this case. You see, I won't be of much help anyway!!


Dad: Son, what do u want for ur birthday?
Son: Not much dad, Just a radio with a sports car around it.


Diner: I can't eat such a rotten chicken. Call the manager!
Waiter: It's no use. He won't eat it either.


Diner: You'll drive me to my grave!
Waiter: Well, you don't expect to walk there, do you?



Husband: U know, wife, our son got his brain from me.
Wife: I think he did, I've still got mine with me!


Man: Officer! There's a bomb in my garden!
Officer: Don't worry. If no one claims it within three days, you can keep it.


Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!
Son: That's why I say she's no good!

.

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Funny Applications

These are some of the funny application and leave letters written by various personnel.

1. An employee applied for leave as follows:
"Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife. please sanction me one week leave... "

2. A candidate's application
"This has reference to your ad calling for a 'typist and an accountant - Male or Female'... As I am both for the past several years and I can handle both, I am applying for the post."

3. Another employee applied for half day leave as follows:
"Since I have to go to the cremation ground and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave"

4. A student had written a leave letter to the headmaster:
"As I am studying in this school i am suffering from head-ache. I request you to leave me today"

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Reason why never visit a 5* Hotel !!

Question :
"What would you like to have ..Fruit juice, Soda, Tea, Chocolate, Milo, or Coffee?"
Answer : "tea please"

Question : " Ceylon tea, Herbal tea, Bush tea, Honey bush tea, Ice tea or green tea ?"
Answer : "Ceylon tea "

Question : "How would you like it ? black or white ?"
Answer : "white"

Question : "Milk, Whitener, or Condensed milk ?
"Answer: "With milk "

Question : "Goat milk, Camel milk or cow milk"
Answer : "With cow milk please.

Question : " Milk from Freeze land cow or Afrikaner cow?"
Answer : " Um, I'll take it black. "

Question : " Would you like it with sweetener, sugar or honey?"
Answer : "With sugar"

Question : " Beet sugar or cane sugar ?"
Answer : "Cane sugar "

Question :" White , brown or yellow sugar ?"
Answer : "Forget about tea just give me a glass of water instead."

Question: "Mineral water or still water ? "
Answer : "Mineral water"

Question : "Flavored or non-flavored ?"
Answer : "I'll rather die of thirst

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JOKES ...

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."

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Jokes ; )

A little rabbit is running happily through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint.

The rabbit looks at the giraffe and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come. Run with me through the forest! You''ll feel so much better!"

The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit. Then they come across an elephant doing coke.

So the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come. Run with us through the pretty forest, you''ll see, you''ll feel so good!"

The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and coke, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe. The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up.

"Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come. Run with us through the beautiful forest and you''ll feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and mauls the rabbit.

The giraffe and elephant watch in horror and look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help you."

The lion answers, "That little bastard! He makes me run around the forest like an idiot every time he's on ecstasy!"

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ARTHRITIS

ARTHRITIS?

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subwaynext to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face wasplastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a fewminutes the man turned to The priest and asked,
"SayFather, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replies,
"My Son, it's caused by loose living, Being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt foryour fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lackof a bath."

The drunk muttered in response,
"Well, I'll be damned,"
Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what He had said, nudged theman and apologized.
"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come onso strong.How long have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered,
"I don't have it, Father. I was justreading here that the Pope does."

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Seniors Bedtime

Husband: Oh, come on.

Wife: Leave me alone!

Husband: It won't take long.

Wife: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.

Husband: I can't sleep without it.

Wife: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?

Husband: Because I'm Hot.

Wife: You get hot at the darnedest times.

Husband: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.

Wife: If you love me you'd be more considerate.

Husband: You don't love me anymore.

Wife: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.

Husband: Please...come on

Wife: All right, I'll do it.

Husband: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?

Wife: I can't find it.

Husband: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!

Wife: There! Are you satisfied?

Husband: Oh, yes.

Wife: Is it up far enough?

Husband: Oh, that's good .

Wife: Now go to bed and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself

hehehehe.........

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Funny Quotes

Funny Quotes

"A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain."

"Great Britain and the United States are nations separated by a common language."

"The fact that no one understands you doesn't make you an artist."

'Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else."


"Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat."

"Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger."

"Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand."

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."

"Some say the glass is half empty, some say the glass is half full, I say, are you going to drink that?"

"If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to."

"Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be."

"Women have a passion for mathematics. They divide their age in half, double the price of their clothes, and always add at least five years to the age of their best friend."

"If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!"

"Foot: A special device for finding furniture in the dark."

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough."


"When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays."

"There's an old saying - There's No Place Like Home. Well, I went in the house next door, and it was very similar."

"A guy at work went in for a competition and won a trip to China . He's out there now...trying to win a trip back!"
"Why should I be sensible if it prevents me from being happy?"

"Happiness is often the result of being too busy to be miserable."

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True Sayings......

True Sayings......

Money is not everything.
There's MasterCard & Visa card.

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One should love animals.
They are so tasty.
--------------------

Save water.
Shower with your friend.
------------------

Love thy neighbor.But don't get caught.
-----------------------

Behind every successful man, there is a woman.
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.
----------------------

Every man should marry.
After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.
---------------------------

Wise never marry.
And when they marry they become otherwise.
----------------------------

Success is a relative term.
It brings so many relatives.
-------------------------------

Never put off the work till tomorrow what you can put off today.
-------------------------------

Love is photogenic.
It needs darkness to develop
----------------------------------

A good discussion is like a miniskirt
Short enough to pertain interest
and long enough to cover the subject
----------------------------------

Children in backseats cause accidents
Accidents in backseats cause children
--------------------------------

Your future depends on your dreams
So go to sleep
-------------------------------------

There should be a better way to start a day
than waking up every morning
-----------------------------------

"ALCOHOL KILLS SLOWLY"
So what ?
Who's in a hurry ?
---------------------------------

"Work fascinates me"
I can look at it for hours
----------------------------------

God made relatives;
Thank God we can choose our friends.
-------------------------------

When two's company,
Three's the result !
--------------------------------

A dress is like a barbed fence
It protects the premises without restricting the view
--------------------------------------------------

The more you learn,
the more you know,
The more you know,
the more you forget
The more you forget,
the less you know
So.. why learn.????????????

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Kids Are Funny

Kids are funny

NUDITY

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"



HONESTY

My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.


OPINIONS

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."



KETCHUP

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother.. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."



MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"



POLICE # 1

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?" -----


POLICE # 2

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"



ELDERLY

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered,"The tooth fairy will never believe this!"



DRESS-UP


A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."



DEATH

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn .....and into the hole he gooooes."



SCHOOL

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"




BIBLE


A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out." What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!

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OLD IS GOLD

OLD IS GOLD

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding..........

Older Woman: "Is there a problem, Officer?"

Officer: "Ma'am, you were speeding."

Older Woman: "Oh, I see."

Officer: "Can I see your license please?"

Older Woman: "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

Officer: "Don't have one? "

Older Woman: "Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. "

Officer: "I see.......Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. "

Older Woman: "I can't do that. "

Officer: "Why not? "

Older Woman: "I stole this car. "

Officer: "Stole it? "

Older Woman: "Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner."

Officer: "You what? "

Older Woman: "His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see."

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: "Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!"

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: "Is there a problem sir?"

Officer 2: "One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."

Older Woman: "Murdered the owner? "

Officer 2: "Yes, would you open the trunk of your car, please."

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: "Is this your car, ma'am?"

Older Woman: "Yes, of course, here are the registration papers."

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license."

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a driver's license and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: "Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner."

Older Woman: "Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too."

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Farmer Joe

Farmer Joe

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.

"Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,"' asked the
lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'."
Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I as
driving down the road..."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say."

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.

I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me.
He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her...How are you feeling?"

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~Jokes~

JOKES

(1) DON'T LOOK AT NAKED LADY

Boy 1: Why do you run from a naked lady?
Boy 2: Becos my mum said that if I look at a naked lady, I'll turn into stone. A part of me is getting hard already!



(2) NAMES OF WIVES

A malay man had 4 wives, and he called his...
4th wife..... baby doll
3rd wife.....china doll
2nd wife.....barbie doll
1st wife..... panadol !



(3) RESEARCH FINDING

Research shows men are fatter than women because every-night men get fresh milk & 2 big papayas while women only get 1 banana, 2 peanuts & 1 tea-spoon of starch!



(4) ARAB MAN

An arab was being interviewed at a US checkpoint.
'Your name pls.'?
"Abdul Aziz "
"Sex? "
"Six times a week!! "
"No, no, I mean male or female! "
"Doesn't matters, sometimes even camel !"



(5) SERVICE

Sex is like a restaurant.Sometimes you get full satisfactory service, and sometimes you have to be satisfied with self-service"


6) HAPPY MAN

What makes a happy man?
Daughter on the cover of cosmo.
Son on the cover of sports illustrated.
Mistress on the cover of playboy and ..
Wife on the cover of "missing persons"


(7) SWIMSUIT

Why was the 2-piece swimsuit invented?
To separate the HAIRY section from the DAIRY section.

(8) GOOD AMBITION

Teacher: What do you want to become?
Little Johnny: Doctor !!
Teacher: Why?
Little Johnny: Coz its the only profession where u can tell a woman to take off her clothes and ask her husband to pay for it.

(9) DENTIST

Woman complaining to dentist: "It's so painful, I'll rather have a baby than have a tooth removed."
Dentist: "Make up your mind soon, I'll adjust the chair accordingly."


(10) VIRGIN

Old lady, 85, a virgin, about to die. wanted her tombstone to read :
BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN.
The engraver shortened it to: " RETURNED UNOPENED "

(11) OLD MAN AND YOUNG GIRL

75 yr old man got married to a 15 yr girl.On their first night both were crying - why???Coz she didn't know anything, andhe had forgotten everything.HaVe A NiCe DaY !

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When I Die...

When I Die....


Mrs. Johnson decided to have her own portrait painted by a well-known artist.
She told the artist, "Paint me with three-carat diamond earrings, a large diamond necklace, glimmering emerald bracelets, and a beautiful, red ruby pendant."

"But ma'am, you are not wearing any of those things."

"I know," said Mrs. Johnson.

"My health is not good and my husband is having an affair with his secretary. When I die I'm sure he will marry her, and I want the bitch to go nuts looking for the jewelry."

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Funny Story: You Know You Are a Bad Cook When...

You Know You Are a Bad Cook When...

1. You use the smoke alarm as a cooking timer.

2. You consider it a culinary success if the pop-tart stays in one piece.

3. Your dog goes to the neighbors' to eat.

4. When you barbecue, two of your kids hold water guns and the third stands ready by the phone with 911 on speed-dial.

5. Your family automatically heads for the dinner table every time they hear a fire truck siren.

6. The EPA insists that all your garbage cans be marked with biohazard symbols.

7. Your microwave display reads "TILT!"

8. Your two best recipes are meatloaf and apple pie, but your dinner guests can't tell which is which.

9. Your pie filling bubbles over and eats the enamel off the bottom of the oven.

10. You've used three boxes of scouring pads and a bottle of Drano and a crowbar, and that macaroni and cheese still won't let go of the pan.

11. Pest control companies keep pestering you for your recipes.

12. You make tuna noodle surprise and the surprise is that it glows in the dark and melts the silverware.

13. Your family prays AFTER they eat!

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Funny Story: Who said English is easy?

Who said English is easy ?

Can you answer this:

Fill in the following blank with "Yes" or "No"

a) ______ , I don't have a BRAIN .

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