Funny Quotes

Funny Quotes

"A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain."

"Great Britain and the United States are nations separated by a common language."

"The fact that no one understands you doesn't make you an artist."

'Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else."


"Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat."

"Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger."

"Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand."

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."

"Some say the glass is half empty, some say the glass is half full, I say, are you going to drink that?"

"If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to."

"Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be."

"Women have a passion for mathematics. They divide their age in half, double the price of their clothes, and always add at least five years to the age of their best friend."

"If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!"

"Foot: A special device for finding furniture in the dark."

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough."


"When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays."

"There's an old saying - There's No Place Like Home. Well, I went in the house next door, and it was very similar."

"A guy at work went in for a competition and won a trip to China . He's out there now...trying to win a trip back!"
"Why should I be sensible if it prevents me from being happy?"

"Happiness is often the result of being too busy to be miserable."